Shifting and loving it

just wanted to jot down a few thoughts on today, which, by the way, was an amazingly good day, not perfect, but just right!
today my  mom had came to pick us up  so that we could get our order form the food co-op, afterward we planned on garage saleing. I stopped at the ATM for cash and across the street was a church sale,YAY! we were all browsing around (i give the boys their own $$ to buy what they want) when Ian comes up to me with a blue girl's puffy vest with hood and said that he wanted it. I told him it was a girl's vest and a girl's style, but he didn't care. i said that if he wanted he could buy it. he did explain to me that he wanted it because it had a winter badge on it (there was a small round logo patch on the front with a snowflake and brand name), i said that i would take it off for him if he bought it. after that i helped Asher use the restroom. when i returned to the main room of the sale a woman (my mom's age) came up to me and asked if she could talk to me for a moment. she then told me how wonderful it was that i would 'allow' my son to purchase girl clothes. she told me most parents wouldn't let that happen and that she was happy to see that i would. she said i was a good mom, i was so surprised. i thanked her, i didn't know what else to say, i just wanted to hug her!
we continued garage saling and i have to admit i was getting a bit crabby, BUT i recongnized that it was an issue with me (i hadn't eaten and i get testy when i am hungry) i didn't let it overtake me and i didn't take it out on the boys (that was an old pattern with me) we did end garage saleing a little early so i could eat, but i am so proud of my progress!
the rest of the day and into the evening were awesome. we picked bramble berries, Josh and Ian worked on the Jeep, Ike helped Asher play with new toys, the boys all played together with blocks. we ate dinner (ok i did burn the pork chops......but we still ate them :P), we played a new card game, we read bedtime stories and we snuggle to sleep.
we have been a couple of years on this journey into peaceful parenting, unschooling, respectful living, and i have to admit that there were many times i was ready to return to the way we were. i was really struggling with it for a long time. i was pretending to be patient and respectful and kind, i was trying really hard to do this, to be the parent/person i wanted to be. i cried, i screamed, i struggled. but very recently (the last few months) i feel like i get it, like i am living my dream and i am not just going through the motions. i have shifted!! i feel it, and the boys feel it, i even think Josh feels it. i am happy that i stuck to it, that i worked through some of my triggers, that i took the time to improve myself, to become a better person. it has really been reflecting in our lives lately. i know that i am not perfect, that this is a journey, but i am so happy with the way things are unfolding and i cannot wait to see what the future holds for us.

life rocks, in retrospect

this is the second article i wrote about our life rocks experience, it appears in the Owl Creek Gazette's July Issue 2013.

Life Rocks in Retrospect

Leslie Whitney

There have only been a few times in my life I felt completely comfortable in a situation of a great big group of people, the Life Rocks Conference was one of them. The resort that the conference was held at was gorgeous! The townhouse was well appointed and they even spoiled are dog with treats and a dog relaxation CD. With the indoor water-park and the beautiful surroundings, it would've been a great place to visit on it's own.

            Once we reached to resort we settled into our townhouse , then went to register for the conference. We enter into a large room (which was to be the central open space of the event) and were welcome by Josha Grant and Dayna Martin. After being given our name tags and such our week begin. Much time was spent in the central area, meeting and chatting with many people, people at different points on their journey  to living peacefully and respectfully with their family.

             I have to admit that there were events that happened that caused me to dip deeper and lean into some feelings that were very hard for me. Within the first day my son and another boy were in a physical fight! There was hitting and scratching, I could tell my boy was full of anger at this other boy! I had to pick my son up and walk away with him. Oh my did I have lots of emotion over that. Things like embarrassment and confusion and not know what to do or how to handle the situation. I cried and we ended up back at the townhouse, I was ready to return home. I just knew what the reaction was of the other mom, things like, “she's such a bad mom” or “can you believe what that kid did and what kind of mother is she anyhow?”  the first evening was the get to know you night and I was really hoping to go,  but instead I stayed at the townhouse while my husband, Josh, went. When he returned he said that he had spoken to the other mom about the incident. She, too, was feeling all the same things that I was, that the issues I have with my boys, she had them too. She really wanted to talk to me more and felt bad that I wanted to leave. The next day I saw her, we hugged, we chatted, we empathized with each other, and, best of all, we were there supporting each other for what was a very difficult situation for both of us. And , although we live miles apart, we are still supporting each other just by knowing there is some one else dealing with some of the same things.

            The conference was also jammed packed with speakers and talks. So many that I found myself having to choose between 2 that I really wanted to attend. One of my favorites was the talk that Scott Noelle (http://www.enjoyparenting.com/ ) did on couples/partnerships. I really enjoyed the approach he took  that being a couple means that you are in a partnership and that the happiness of both people benefits the whole partnership. I also learned from him the technique of just acknowledging and listening. Josha Grant (http://www.joshagrant.blogspot.com/)  lead a talk about food freedom that I really enjoyed and Dayna Martin's talk (http://daynamartin.com/ ) included a “sneak peek” of her upcoming wife swap episode. Some of the other events I really enjoyed was the talent show (josh played a song), the bug eating (they didn't taste that bad) and the water park.

            While at the conference I also met some amazing people. I have never wanted so many folks to come home with me!. It was, and became, the community I has always been searching for. The week spent with these folks showed me that I wasn't so 'weird' after all. I have to admit, it has been hard for me sometimes because I haven't been with so many like minded folks in person. It felt like home, like family, like the place where I could be me, with all my eccentricness and uniqueness.

            Once it was time to leave, I found myself not wanting to go. Josh had found his “soul brother” and I had connected with some very awesome women. We had found people who had turned a resort into the community we wished we had at home. This trip also confirmed for us that the path we had chosen was the right one for our family. That, even on our worst day, we know there are folks out there that care for and support us as we do them.

            Since the trip we have stay very much in contact with the wonderful group of people we met at the Life Rocks Radical Unschooling Conference. We even have planned get-togethers and visits amongst the group, we have a friend heading our way as I type this and I cannot wait to see her. We are planning to attend the conference next year with all these wonderful folks! I would recommend the Conference to any one interested in the unschooling life style. It is a wonderful place to connect with,  like minded families.

Life Rocks

This is an article that i wrote that originally appeared in the Owl Creek Gazette, the April 2013 Issue.

Snow is falling, blanketing our house with it's insulated silence. I sit in quiet gratitude as I
watch the boys playing through the window. This is not where I imagine I would be as a parent, as a
person, when I first found out I was pregnant. I had all the best hopes for my child(ren) and his life
ahead of him. Happiness, Love, Peace. I still glow with optimism the first breath of life can give. Pure
Love, Pure Joy. Exploring and playing through the baby and toddler years made life fun and, dare I say,
'easy'. Time went on and my fun-loving son and I weren't always on the same page. We started 'butting'
heads. I asked everyone I knew for help, but none of their suggestion sat well with me. Oh, we tried
them, time-outs, a spank, taking things, etc. None of these were effective, my boy(s) were just
becoming angrier and 'harder to handle'. I was absolutely miserable! Where were the 'joys' of
parenthood? Where did the playing and exploring go? Why weren't we that fun and loving and peaceful
family we were when we were glowing with optimism??
These questions (and many others) plagued me. Every 'incident' with one of the boys ate away
at me and them. We were all very unhappy. As a home-schooling family, I couldn't imagine that it was
going to be a dreadful struggle the whole way. I started looking for alternatives to the norm (parenting,
homeschooling, peaceful living). I had heard about 'unschooling' in my research into homeschooling,
never really delving deep into the 'style'. Really, the homeschool moms I knew were not very positive
and I had fell for the “unparenting” myth. Things were not going well for us and I was researching
everything which brought me back to unschooling. The first unschooling family/mom I came across
was Dayna Martin (http://daynamartin.com/). I devoured her book, Radical Unschooling : A Revolution
has Begun. Her descriptions of life with her family and children were inspiring. I wanted respectful,
loving relationships with my children. I wanted everyone in the family to be treated respectfully,
peacefully and with love. I didn't want my boys to be afraid of me or to think using violence or force
was an acceptable option. I didn't want to fear my teens, I didn't want to just tolerate these other people
in my home.
Once I had read Dayna's book, I went looking for more and more. I joined on-line groups, read
books, watched videos, listened to podcasts, but I felt like there was something I wasn't getting,
something wasn't clicking. It was then I reached out and had a consultation with Dayna Martin herself.
Talking with her helped adjust us more toward our path, but I still felt like some thing was eluding me.
I was really struggling and was beginning to feel as though I was not one of those ultra awesome
peaceful parents. I spent many an hour crying and wishing for what I was beginning to think was
impossible. But I wanted something different and I knew peaceful parenting had something to do with
it. I knew where I wanted to be but I needed help getting there. It was about this time that I came across
Tara Wagner, the Organic Sister (http://theorganicsister.com/). It was through her free e-course, her
digging deep e-course, and her organic parenting e-course that I learned a lot of things about myself.
The reason I was struggling, that I just wasn't 'getting it', was because I was looking outside myself for
the answers. The struggles I was having were inner ones, ones within ME. I started working with my
own triggers and feeling/beliefs I had from past experiences.
Josh was, of course, working right along side me, but without the support and help I was
finding. I felt we (josh and I)were out of step with each other. It was like we were reading the same
book, but we weren't on the same page. It was then I found Teresa Graham Brett, Parenting for Social
Change (http://www.parentingforsocialchange.com/).She was going to be starting a Liberation
Parenting Class with Josha Grant, Reality Check Counseling and Coaching Services
(http://www.parentingforsocialchange.com/). We decided to take it together and, WOW!, it was
amazing. What a great help for us both, I feel like we are on the same page and that when we need
support (individually or as a family) we know where to turn. We are now on our way! The 'dream' life
of the Martin's was becoming a reality for us.
Along with all the help and support on-line, we wanted to meet, in person, other families who
were on similar journeys, with similar interests. We want community! We have been unable to connect
with many others in our area though. When we heard about the Life Rocks! Conference
(http://www.liferocksconference.com/), hosted by the Martins, we decided to check it out. It is a five
day event in North Conway, NH. The days are packed full of events, such as talks, workshops, joy
shops, passion clubs and other entertainment. If that doesn't sound like too much fun, the conference is
held at RedJacket Mountain View Resort, which has, among other things, an indoor water park!i am
really excited about the trip and planning consists of lists and lists of things to remember to bring.
Each day we learn and grow becoming better than we were the day before. Along the way we
have had the opportunity to share with some remarkable people. As we continue on our journey we
have been present with a chance to meet some of the folks in person and to meet others following
similar paths. For a week we are hoping to make a resort in New Hampshire our real-life like-minded
community, side by side with other families who have chosen a path less taken.

you just broke your child

i recently read an article called You Just Broke Your Child by Single Dad Laughing and i want to share the article and an experience i had.


this reminded me of a time we took our boys to a restaurant not too long after we returned from life rocks conference (which was a very stressful time for us, not the conference, but the return journey). we were at the end of our meal and the boys were up from the table and exploring the restaurant (it was mid-week and not that busy). i was pretty stressed and tired and wanted nothing more than the boys to sit until we were leaving. Josh (my amazing hubs) talked to me about the stress and my own tiredness and the fact that the boys were ok. we would get up and follow them when they got out of sight and follow them back to the table, each of us (even my mom who was with us) patiently followed the boys walking (sometimes running) around the place. although i was having a hard time, we still showed the same respect and love to our children that we do when the groove is good for all. while i was talking to my hubs about my issues, a gentleman from a few tables over came up to our table. i had a feeling, just knew, he was going to say something negative about the way the boys were acting, but what he said was quite to the contrary. he said keep up the good work! he said that we hadn't 'broken' our boys and that we needed to continue what we were doing. he was impressed that our children didn't fear us, that the didn't flinch away from us when we got up to follow them around the restaurant. he commented how nice it was to see that the boys were not afraid of us and that by the time kids are ike's age (9) they have that fear of adults, especially their parents. WOW! i thank the man for his comments and we chatted for a moments before everyone left. it is very important to remember the importance of not giving your child fear, especially of those who promise to love them and take care of them and are suppose to help them explore this big big world. remember words are important, actions are important!! never take that for granted. now anytime that i wish the boys would just do as i say (because there are those moments) i slow down and remember what this stranger said! what a difference his words made on that day.

change is HARD

making big lifestyle change is HARD.

changing habits is HARD

learning how to use new unfamiliar tools is HARD

I have been looking for an easy answer on how to make these changes. I have been scouring forums, chats, books, websites, any place where I think I may find the answer, the “12 step program”. I lament with other folks in the same position. I asked questions to the folks who have made the change, who lead the lifestyle I want to live, trying to find the answer, the way.

I have been looking in all the wrong places for the answer. I have been looking outward, I should actually be looking inward. this change is one that is very personal, one that I have to make within myself. no one can tell me how to change myself but me. I have to look within to find out how to break my own habits. I have to spend time with these new tools to learn how to use them. I have to make mistakes, I have to fall down and pick myself back up again. I have to do this within myself.

I am thankful for the resources that I have found out in the world, they give me hope and knowledge and tools and courage and strength. Ultimately it is ME who has to find my path to this new lifestyle. I cannot follow the path some one else has taken, I must forge my own.

thoughts on our journey so far

our family is going through the de-schooling process (about 3 months now). really it is Josh (hubs) and i that are de-schooling, the boys have never been to school. it has been such a personal journey for us, because we are making such major changes in the way we live life with our children. in the very very beginning i was getting frustrated because there was no one way, no checklist, for getting to that goal of "unschooling". i am finding out that it is not a goal or an end point, but really it is a lifestyle. everything needs to change, for us it feels like a shift, a slide over. one of the big things we (josh & i) have to deal with is letting go of the control/the need to control our children. we also work on dealing with the anger (which , actually once we let go of the control, we let go of a lot of anger). i find the more i read about unschooling, gentle parenting type i am finding more ways to control myself, i find better ways (tools if you will) for handling situations i kept running into with my kids (and, amazingly, these tools also help me when dealing with other people, lol) when i come across a concept or thought that really affects me, i write it down, i come back to it, i think about it.
in a chat i remember being asked if i thought that unschoolers came from a different planet. in the beginning it seems like it, especially when experienced ones seem to have all the answers, although none seemed to be exactly the answer i was looking for. they were "getting" some thing i just couldn't completely wrap my brain around. i believe it is Sandra that gives the advise, read a little, do a little. boy has hat been helpful and exactly what i am doing.
one of the first things we did was get rid of school, any idea, thought, project, movie that even remotely looked like what we called school is avoided. no workbooks, no online classes, nothing (unless, of course, the boys initiate something). this was pretty easy for us because i really never wanted to be a teacher in any traditional sense. then i read and asked about media (tv, computer, video games), we are now letting go of control over these devises (which , for me, has been the hardest thing). once i have made this my own, we will move on to bedtimes. this is the transitional journey we (hubs and i) are on. one step at a time, becoming more and more confident in our lifestyle choice. we have begun seeing the wonderful effects already.