life rocks, in retrospect

this is the second article i wrote about our life rocks experience, it appears in the Owl Creek Gazette's July Issue 2013.

Life Rocks in Retrospect

Leslie Whitney

There have only been a few times in my life I felt completely comfortable in a situation of a great big group of people, the Life Rocks Conference was one of them. The resort that the conference was held at was gorgeous! The townhouse was well appointed and they even spoiled are dog with treats and a dog relaxation CD. With the indoor water-park and the beautiful surroundings, it would've been a great place to visit on it's own.

            Once we reached to resort we settled into our townhouse , then went to register for the conference. We enter into a large room (which was to be the central open space of the event) and were welcome by Josha Grant and Dayna Martin. After being given our name tags and such our week begin. Much time was spent in the central area, meeting and chatting with many people, people at different points on their journey  to living peacefully and respectfully with their family.

             I have to admit that there were events that happened that caused me to dip deeper and lean into some feelings that were very hard for me. Within the first day my son and another boy were in a physical fight! There was hitting and scratching, I could tell my boy was full of anger at this other boy! I had to pick my son up and walk away with him. Oh my did I have lots of emotion over that. Things like embarrassment and confusion and not know what to do or how to handle the situation. I cried and we ended up back at the townhouse, I was ready to return home. I just knew what the reaction was of the other mom, things like, “she's such a bad mom” or “can you believe what that kid did and what kind of mother is she anyhow?”  the first evening was the get to know you night and I was really hoping to go,  but instead I stayed at the townhouse while my husband, Josh, went. When he returned he said that he had spoken to the other mom about the incident. She, too, was feeling all the same things that I was, that the issues I have with my boys, she had them too. She really wanted to talk to me more and felt bad that I wanted to leave. The next day I saw her, we hugged, we chatted, we empathized with each other, and, best of all, we were there supporting each other for what was a very difficult situation for both of us. And , although we live miles apart, we are still supporting each other just by knowing there is some one else dealing with some of the same things.

            The conference was also jammed packed with speakers and talks. So many that I found myself having to choose between 2 that I really wanted to attend. One of my favorites was the talk that Scott Noelle (http://www.enjoyparenting.com/ ) did on couples/partnerships. I really enjoyed the approach he took  that being a couple means that you are in a partnership and that the happiness of both people benefits the whole partnership. I also learned from him the technique of just acknowledging and listening. Josha Grant (http://www.joshagrant.blogspot.com/)  lead a talk about food freedom that I really enjoyed and Dayna Martin's talk (http://daynamartin.com/ ) included a “sneak peek” of her upcoming wife swap episode. Some of the other events I really enjoyed was the talent show (josh played a song), the bug eating (they didn't taste that bad) and the water park.

            While at the conference I also met some amazing people. I have never wanted so many folks to come home with me!. It was, and became, the community I has always been searching for. The week spent with these folks showed me that I wasn't so 'weird' after all. I have to admit, it has been hard for me sometimes because I haven't been with so many like minded folks in person. It felt like home, like family, like the place where I could be me, with all my eccentricness and uniqueness.

            Once it was time to leave, I found myself not wanting to go. Josh had found his “soul brother” and I had connected with some very awesome women. We had found people who had turned a resort into the community we wished we had at home. This trip also confirmed for us that the path we had chosen was the right one for our family. That, even on our worst day, we know there are folks out there that care for and support us as we do them.

            Since the trip we have stay very much in contact with the wonderful group of people we met at the Life Rocks Radical Unschooling Conference. We even have planned get-togethers and visits amongst the group, we have a friend heading our way as I type this and I cannot wait to see her. We are planning to attend the conference next year with all these wonderful folks! I would recommend the Conference to any one interested in the unschooling life style. It is a wonderful place to connect with,  like minded families.

Life Rocks

This is an article that i wrote that originally appeared in the Owl Creek Gazette, the April 2013 Issue.

Snow is falling, blanketing our house with it's insulated silence. I sit in quiet gratitude as I
watch the boys playing through the window. This is not where I imagine I would be as a parent, as a
person, when I first found out I was pregnant. I had all the best hopes for my child(ren) and his life
ahead of him. Happiness, Love, Peace. I still glow with optimism the first breath of life can give. Pure
Love, Pure Joy. Exploring and playing through the baby and toddler years made life fun and, dare I say,
'easy'. Time went on and my fun-loving son and I weren't always on the same page. We started 'butting'
heads. I asked everyone I knew for help, but none of their suggestion sat well with me. Oh, we tried
them, time-outs, a spank, taking things, etc. None of these were effective, my boy(s) were just
becoming angrier and 'harder to handle'. I was absolutely miserable! Where were the 'joys' of
parenthood? Where did the playing and exploring go? Why weren't we that fun and loving and peaceful
family we were when we were glowing with optimism??
These questions (and many others) plagued me. Every 'incident' with one of the boys ate away
at me and them. We were all very unhappy. As a home-schooling family, I couldn't imagine that it was
going to be a dreadful struggle the whole way. I started looking for alternatives to the norm (parenting,
homeschooling, peaceful living). I had heard about 'unschooling' in my research into homeschooling,
never really delving deep into the 'style'. Really, the homeschool moms I knew were not very positive
and I had fell for the “unparenting” myth. Things were not going well for us and I was researching
everything which brought me back to unschooling. The first unschooling family/mom I came across
was Dayna Martin (http://daynamartin.com/). I devoured her book, Radical Unschooling : A Revolution
has Begun. Her descriptions of life with her family and children were inspiring. I wanted respectful,
loving relationships with my children. I wanted everyone in the family to be treated respectfully,
peacefully and with love. I didn't want my boys to be afraid of me or to think using violence or force
was an acceptable option. I didn't want to fear my teens, I didn't want to just tolerate these other people
in my home.
Once I had read Dayna's book, I went looking for more and more. I joined on-line groups, read
books, watched videos, listened to podcasts, but I felt like there was something I wasn't getting,
something wasn't clicking. It was then I reached out and had a consultation with Dayna Martin herself.
Talking with her helped adjust us more toward our path, but I still felt like some thing was eluding me.
I was really struggling and was beginning to feel as though I was not one of those ultra awesome
peaceful parents. I spent many an hour crying and wishing for what I was beginning to think was
impossible. But I wanted something different and I knew peaceful parenting had something to do with
it. I knew where I wanted to be but I needed help getting there. It was about this time that I came across
Tara Wagner, the Organic Sister (http://theorganicsister.com/). It was through her free e-course, her
digging deep e-course, and her organic parenting e-course that I learned a lot of things about myself.
The reason I was struggling, that I just wasn't 'getting it', was because I was looking outside myself for
the answers. The struggles I was having were inner ones, ones within ME. I started working with my
own triggers and feeling/beliefs I had from past experiences.
Josh was, of course, working right along side me, but without the support and help I was
finding. I felt we (josh and I)were out of step with each other. It was like we were reading the same
book, but we weren't on the same page. It was then I found Teresa Graham Brett, Parenting for Social
Change (http://www.parentingforsocialchange.com/).She was going to be starting a Liberation
Parenting Class with Josha Grant, Reality Check Counseling and Coaching Services
(http://www.parentingforsocialchange.com/). We decided to take it together and, WOW!, it was
amazing. What a great help for us both, I feel like we are on the same page and that when we need
support (individually or as a family) we know where to turn. We are now on our way! The 'dream' life
of the Martin's was becoming a reality for us.
Along with all the help and support on-line, we wanted to meet, in person, other families who
were on similar journeys, with similar interests. We want community! We have been unable to connect
with many others in our area though. When we heard about the Life Rocks! Conference
(http://www.liferocksconference.com/), hosted by the Martins, we decided to check it out. It is a five
day event in North Conway, NH. The days are packed full of events, such as talks, workshops, joy
shops, passion clubs and other entertainment. If that doesn't sound like too much fun, the conference is
held at RedJacket Mountain View Resort, which has, among other things, an indoor water park!i am
really excited about the trip and planning consists of lists and lists of things to remember to bring.
Each day we learn and grow becoming better than we were the day before. Along the way we
have had the opportunity to share with some remarkable people. As we continue on our journey we
have been present with a chance to meet some of the folks in person and to meet others following
similar paths. For a week we are hoping to make a resort in New Hampshire our real-life like-minded
community, side by side with other families who have chosen a path less taken.

change is HARD

making big lifestyle change is HARD.

changing habits is HARD

learning how to use new unfamiliar tools is HARD

I have been looking for an easy answer on how to make these changes. I have been scouring forums, chats, books, websites, any place where I think I may find the answer, the “12 step program”. I lament with other folks in the same position. I asked questions to the folks who have made the change, who lead the lifestyle I want to live, trying to find the answer, the way.

I have been looking in all the wrong places for the answer. I have been looking outward, I should actually be looking inward. this change is one that is very personal, one that I have to make within myself. no one can tell me how to change myself but me. I have to look within to find out how to break my own habits. I have to spend time with these new tools to learn how to use them. I have to make mistakes, I have to fall down and pick myself back up again. I have to do this within myself.

I am thankful for the resources that I have found out in the world, they give me hope and knowledge and tools and courage and strength. Ultimately it is ME who has to find my path to this new lifestyle. I cannot follow the path some one else has taken, I must forge my own.

here is something i wrote about our educational/learning journey.

Josh (hubs) and I had not intended to homeschool when we had our first son. We moved out of grand rapids up to greenville because the school district was “better”, a blue ribbon winner! Woo hooo, right? Well josh started reading and researching politics, the principles of liberty, freedom, reading founding fathers etc. one day he had asked me if I had ever thought of homeschooling the boys. I replied “are you flippin' crazy!?!?!" he said," you should look into it". Well I had to then, I was very curiuos. I started researching anf reading, searching the web and asking questions. I read about John Taylor gatto (http://www.johntaylorgatto.com/ ) and picked up his book “dumbing us down”. This began my education on the educational system itself. After this I knew I would not send the boys to school.
I read and looked into a bunch of different homeschool cirriculums, styles etc. (there are SO many out there). We never did buy a full, complete cirriculum, but I did pull pieces together, math mammoth for math, teach your child to read in 100 lessons for reading, story of the world for history, etc. I really like the ideals behind A well Trained Mind, I loved how Waldorf education incorrporated nature and peacefulness. When Ike reached school age (preschool-ish), I started to schedule our day, morning on monday wednesday and friday was for math and science, the afternoons were for reading, art and anything we needed to finish. We had a hard time with the schedule. I would have to fight with Ike, and eventually Ian, to sit and do math for an hour. There would be time outs, punishments & rewards and taking away of “priviledges”. It made us all very unhappy. During this time I had noticed that when we did activities because we had an interest or it was fun or it was just part of our routine, ike would “learn”. Days, heck weeks, later he would start talking of things he had seen or learned on these”fieldtrips” through our daily life. Not only would he tell me about them, he would also tell me where his thoughts lead him to. He was thinking, making his own connections and forming his own opinions and thoughts about stuff we had seen and talked about. Along the way he has learned to read and do math (addition and subtraction). He was learning without pencils, without books, without a schedule, without cirriculum, without teachers and without force! He was learning because HE wanted to!! It was an epiphany! I started looking into child led learning. How great! But we were still trying to do "school" at home. I would have to fight with, threaten, yell to get the boys to do their “school” work, even if I knew it was something they were interested in. I was still using force and coercision to get them to do “school”. This never sat well with me. I also had issues with spanking, time outs, punishment/rewards, and taking things away. I had issues with the general view of children by most adults. I started doing a lot of thinking. The way that we were homeschooling and living with our children didn't fit together or with our philisophical thoughts and beliefs. Most peoples thoughts/views on children didn't mesh with our beliefs either, so I didn't/don't have examples of different parenting styles. I had heard of unschooling/natural-learning and always thought they were crazy people letting their children run amuck. But I did some research (because I get asked lots of questions on homeschooling and unschooling does come up every once in a while) and started reading John Holt's book, “How children learn”. Another epiphany! WOW! I dove into unschool research then. WOW!! what a match, it was great to finally read somethings that I agreed with, something that didn;t make me feel like I was going against own thoughts and philosophy. This made our life and our education one thing! There wasn't school time and the rest of the time. There is just life, and we learn by living. (I am having a hard time here expessing what I want you to know about this because it is more than just about the education. This is about our lives together as a family and as free thinking individuals.) Our whole outlook on children and child-rearing (if I must use that word) has changed, and changed dramatically. But dramatically for the good. We are still at the beginning of our unschooling journey (the last epiphany happened just before Thanksgiving!). there are things i need to work on that's for sure. i am a novice. We are still de-schooling. Hubs and i are de-schooling from everything we were ever taught about school, parent/child relationships, education.....the list is long. the boys are de-schooling from having authoritarian parents. it is a process, a life long one! i have noticed positive changes in our family already. 
this is the journey we have traveled so far, it gives you an idea where we are at. hopefully you find this info useful. if you have any more questions, please ask. this is just a brief introduction of sorts.