Shifting and loving it

just wanted to jot down a few thoughts on today, which, by the way, was an amazingly good day, not perfect, but just right!
today my  mom had came to pick us up  so that we could get our order form the food co-op, afterward we planned on garage saleing. I stopped at the ATM for cash and across the street was a church sale,YAY! we were all browsing around (i give the boys their own $$ to buy what they want) when Ian comes up to me with a blue girl's puffy vest with hood and said that he wanted it. I told him it was a girl's vest and a girl's style, but he didn't care. i said that if he wanted he could buy it. he did explain to me that he wanted it because it had a winter badge on it (there was a small round logo patch on the front with a snowflake and brand name), i said that i would take it off for him if he bought it. after that i helped Asher use the restroom. when i returned to the main room of the sale a woman (my mom's age) came up to me and asked if she could talk to me for a moment. she then told me how wonderful it was that i would 'allow' my son to purchase girl clothes. she told me most parents wouldn't let that happen and that she was happy to see that i would. she said i was a good mom, i was so surprised. i thanked her, i didn't know what else to say, i just wanted to hug her!
we continued garage saling and i have to admit i was getting a bit crabby, BUT i recongnized that it was an issue with me (i hadn't eaten and i get testy when i am hungry) i didn't let it overtake me and i didn't take it out on the boys (that was an old pattern with me) we did end garage saleing a little early so i could eat, but i am so proud of my progress!
the rest of the day and into the evening were awesome. we picked bramble berries, Josh and Ian worked on the Jeep, Ike helped Asher play with new toys, the boys all played together with blocks. we ate dinner (ok i did burn the pork chops......but we still ate them :P), we played a new card game, we read bedtime stories and we snuggle to sleep.
we have been a couple of years on this journey into peaceful parenting, unschooling, respectful living, and i have to admit that there were many times i was ready to return to the way we were. i was really struggling with it for a long time. i was pretending to be patient and respectful and kind, i was trying really hard to do this, to be the parent/person i wanted to be. i cried, i screamed, i struggled. but very recently (the last few months) i feel like i get it, like i am living my dream and i am not just going through the motions. i have shifted!! i feel it, and the boys feel it, i even think Josh feels it. i am happy that i stuck to it, that i worked through some of my triggers, that i took the time to improve myself, to become a better person. it has really been reflecting in our lives lately. i know that i am not perfect, that this is a journey, but i am so happy with the way things are unfolding and i cannot wait to see what the future holds for us.

change is HARD

making big lifestyle change is HARD.

changing habits is HARD

learning how to use new unfamiliar tools is HARD

I have been looking for an easy answer on how to make these changes. I have been scouring forums, chats, books, websites, any place where I think I may find the answer, the “12 step program”. I lament with other folks in the same position. I asked questions to the folks who have made the change, who lead the lifestyle I want to live, trying to find the answer, the way.

I have been looking in all the wrong places for the answer. I have been looking outward, I should actually be looking inward. this change is one that is very personal, one that I have to make within myself. no one can tell me how to change myself but me. I have to look within to find out how to break my own habits. I have to spend time with these new tools to learn how to use them. I have to make mistakes, I have to fall down and pick myself back up again. I have to do this within myself.

I am thankful for the resources that I have found out in the world, they give me hope and knowledge and tools and courage and strength. Ultimately it is ME who has to find my path to this new lifestyle. I cannot follow the path some one else has taken, I must forge my own.

thoughts on our journey so far

our family is going through the de-schooling process (about 3 months now). really it is Josh (hubs) and i that are de-schooling, the boys have never been to school. it has been such a personal journey for us, because we are making such major changes in the way we live life with our children. in the very very beginning i was getting frustrated because there was no one way, no checklist, for getting to that goal of "unschooling". i am finding out that it is not a goal or an end point, but really it is a lifestyle. everything needs to change, for us it feels like a shift, a slide over. one of the big things we (josh & i) have to deal with is letting go of the control/the need to control our children. we also work on dealing with the anger (which , actually once we let go of the control, we let go of a lot of anger). i find the more i read about unschooling, gentle parenting type i am finding more ways to control myself, i find better ways (tools if you will) for handling situations i kept running into with my kids (and, amazingly, these tools also help me when dealing with other people, lol) when i come across a concept or thought that really affects me, i write it down, i come back to it, i think about it.
in a chat i remember being asked if i thought that unschoolers came from a different planet. in the beginning it seems like it, especially when experienced ones seem to have all the answers, although none seemed to be exactly the answer i was looking for. they were "getting" some thing i just couldn't completely wrap my brain around. i believe it is Sandra that gives the advise, read a little, do a little. boy has hat been helpful and exactly what i am doing.
one of the first things we did was get rid of school, any idea, thought, project, movie that even remotely looked like what we called school is avoided. no workbooks, no online classes, nothing (unless, of course, the boys initiate something). this was pretty easy for us because i really never wanted to be a teacher in any traditional sense. then i read and asked about media (tv, computer, video games), we are now letting go of control over these devises (which , for me, has been the hardest thing). once i have made this my own, we will move on to bedtimes. this is the transitional journey we (hubs and i) are on. one step at a time, becoming more and more confident in our lifestyle choice. we have begun seeing the wonderful effects already.