Shifting and loving it

just wanted to jot down a few thoughts on today, which, by the way, was an amazingly good day, not perfect, but just right!
today my  mom had came to pick us up  so that we could get our order form the food co-op, afterward we planned on garage saleing. I stopped at the ATM for cash and across the street was a church sale,YAY! we were all browsing around (i give the boys their own $$ to buy what they want) when Ian comes up to me with a blue girl's puffy vest with hood and said that he wanted it. I told him it was a girl's vest and a girl's style, but he didn't care. i said that if he wanted he could buy it. he did explain to me that he wanted it because it had a winter badge on it (there was a small round logo patch on the front with a snowflake and brand name), i said that i would take it off for him if he bought it. after that i helped Asher use the restroom. when i returned to the main room of the sale a woman (my mom's age) came up to me and asked if she could talk to me for a moment. she then told me how wonderful it was that i would 'allow' my son to purchase girl clothes. she told me most parents wouldn't let that happen and that she was happy to see that i would. she said i was a good mom, i was so surprised. i thanked her, i didn't know what else to say, i just wanted to hug her!
we continued garage saling and i have to admit i was getting a bit crabby, BUT i recongnized that it was an issue with me (i hadn't eaten and i get testy when i am hungry) i didn't let it overtake me and i didn't take it out on the boys (that was an old pattern with me) we did end garage saleing a little early so i could eat, but i am so proud of my progress!
the rest of the day and into the evening were awesome. we picked bramble berries, Josh and Ian worked on the Jeep, Ike helped Asher play with new toys, the boys all played together with blocks. we ate dinner (ok i did burn the pork chops......but we still ate them :P), we played a new card game, we read bedtime stories and we snuggle to sleep.
we have been a couple of years on this journey into peaceful parenting, unschooling, respectful living, and i have to admit that there were many times i was ready to return to the way we were. i was really struggling with it for a long time. i was pretending to be patient and respectful and kind, i was trying really hard to do this, to be the parent/person i wanted to be. i cried, i screamed, i struggled. but very recently (the last few months) i feel like i get it, like i am living my dream and i am not just going through the motions. i have shifted!! i feel it, and the boys feel it, i even think Josh feels it. i am happy that i stuck to it, that i worked through some of my triggers, that i took the time to improve myself, to become a better person. it has really been reflecting in our lives lately. i know that i am not perfect, that this is a journey, but i am so happy with the way things are unfolding and i cannot wait to see what the future holds for us.

Life Rocks

This is an article that i wrote that originally appeared in the Owl Creek Gazette, the April 2013 Issue.

Snow is falling, blanketing our house with it's insulated silence. I sit in quiet gratitude as I
watch the boys playing through the window. This is not where I imagine I would be as a parent, as a
person, when I first found out I was pregnant. I had all the best hopes for my child(ren) and his life
ahead of him. Happiness, Love, Peace. I still glow with optimism the first breath of life can give. Pure
Love, Pure Joy. Exploring and playing through the baby and toddler years made life fun and, dare I say,
'easy'. Time went on and my fun-loving son and I weren't always on the same page. We started 'butting'
heads. I asked everyone I knew for help, but none of their suggestion sat well with me. Oh, we tried
them, time-outs, a spank, taking things, etc. None of these were effective, my boy(s) were just
becoming angrier and 'harder to handle'. I was absolutely miserable! Where were the 'joys' of
parenthood? Where did the playing and exploring go? Why weren't we that fun and loving and peaceful
family we were when we were glowing with optimism??
These questions (and many others) plagued me. Every 'incident' with one of the boys ate away
at me and them. We were all very unhappy. As a home-schooling family, I couldn't imagine that it was
going to be a dreadful struggle the whole way. I started looking for alternatives to the norm (parenting,
homeschooling, peaceful living). I had heard about 'unschooling' in my research into homeschooling,
never really delving deep into the 'style'. Really, the homeschool moms I knew were not very positive
and I had fell for the “unparenting” myth. Things were not going well for us and I was researching
everything which brought me back to unschooling. The first unschooling family/mom I came across
was Dayna Martin (http://daynamartin.com/). I devoured her book, Radical Unschooling : A Revolution
has Begun. Her descriptions of life with her family and children were inspiring. I wanted respectful,
loving relationships with my children. I wanted everyone in the family to be treated respectfully,
peacefully and with love. I didn't want my boys to be afraid of me or to think using violence or force
was an acceptable option. I didn't want to fear my teens, I didn't want to just tolerate these other people
in my home.
Once I had read Dayna's book, I went looking for more and more. I joined on-line groups, read
books, watched videos, listened to podcasts, but I felt like there was something I wasn't getting,
something wasn't clicking. It was then I reached out and had a consultation with Dayna Martin herself.
Talking with her helped adjust us more toward our path, but I still felt like some thing was eluding me.
I was really struggling and was beginning to feel as though I was not one of those ultra awesome
peaceful parents. I spent many an hour crying and wishing for what I was beginning to think was
impossible. But I wanted something different and I knew peaceful parenting had something to do with
it. I knew where I wanted to be but I needed help getting there. It was about this time that I came across
Tara Wagner, the Organic Sister (http://theorganicsister.com/). It was through her free e-course, her
digging deep e-course, and her organic parenting e-course that I learned a lot of things about myself.
The reason I was struggling, that I just wasn't 'getting it', was because I was looking outside myself for
the answers. The struggles I was having were inner ones, ones within ME. I started working with my
own triggers and feeling/beliefs I had from past experiences.
Josh was, of course, working right along side me, but without the support and help I was
finding. I felt we (josh and I)were out of step with each other. It was like we were reading the same
book, but we weren't on the same page. It was then I found Teresa Graham Brett, Parenting for Social
Change (http://www.parentingforsocialchange.com/).She was going to be starting a Liberation
Parenting Class with Josha Grant, Reality Check Counseling and Coaching Services
(http://www.parentingforsocialchange.com/). We decided to take it together and, WOW!, it was
amazing. What a great help for us both, I feel like we are on the same page and that when we need
support (individually or as a family) we know where to turn. We are now on our way! The 'dream' life
of the Martin's was becoming a reality for us.
Along with all the help and support on-line, we wanted to meet, in person, other families who
were on similar journeys, with similar interests. We want community! We have been unable to connect
with many others in our area though. When we heard about the Life Rocks! Conference
(http://www.liferocksconference.com/), hosted by the Martins, we decided to check it out. It is a five
day event in North Conway, NH. The days are packed full of events, such as talks, workshops, joy
shops, passion clubs and other entertainment. If that doesn't sound like too much fun, the conference is
held at RedJacket Mountain View Resort, which has, among other things, an indoor water park!i am
really excited about the trip and planning consists of lists and lists of things to remember to bring.
Each day we learn and grow becoming better than we were the day before. Along the way we
have had the opportunity to share with some remarkable people. As we continue on our journey we
have been present with a chance to meet some of the folks in person and to meet others following
similar paths. For a week we are hoping to make a resort in New Hampshire our real-life like-minded
community, side by side with other families who have chosen a path less taken.

you just broke your child

i recently read an article called You Just Broke Your Child by Single Dad Laughing and i want to share the article and an experience i had.


this reminded me of a time we took our boys to a restaurant not too long after we returned from life rocks conference (which was a very stressful time for us, not the conference, but the return journey). we were at the end of our meal and the boys were up from the table and exploring the restaurant (it was mid-week and not that busy). i was pretty stressed and tired and wanted nothing more than the boys to sit until we were leaving. Josh (my amazing hubs) talked to me about the stress and my own tiredness and the fact that the boys were ok. we would get up and follow them when they got out of sight and follow them back to the table, each of us (even my mom who was with us) patiently followed the boys walking (sometimes running) around the place. although i was having a hard time, we still showed the same respect and love to our children that we do when the groove is good for all. while i was talking to my hubs about my issues, a gentleman from a few tables over came up to our table. i had a feeling, just knew, he was going to say something negative about the way the boys were acting, but what he said was quite to the contrary. he said keep up the good work! he said that we hadn't 'broken' our boys and that we needed to continue what we were doing. he was impressed that our children didn't fear us, that the didn't flinch away from us when we got up to follow them around the restaurant. he commented how nice it was to see that the boys were not afraid of us and that by the time kids are ike's age (9) they have that fear of adults, especially their parents. WOW! i thank the man for his comments and we chatted for a moments before everyone left. it is very important to remember the importance of not giving your child fear, especially of those who promise to love them and take care of them and are suppose to help them explore this big big world. remember words are important, actions are important!! never take that for granted. now anytime that i wish the boys would just do as i say (because there are those moments) i slow down and remember what this stranger said! what a difference his words made on that day.

change is HARD

making big lifestyle change is HARD.

changing habits is HARD

learning how to use new unfamiliar tools is HARD

I have been looking for an easy answer on how to make these changes. I have been scouring forums, chats, books, websites, any place where I think I may find the answer, the “12 step program”. I lament with other folks in the same position. I asked questions to the folks who have made the change, who lead the lifestyle I want to live, trying to find the answer, the way.

I have been looking in all the wrong places for the answer. I have been looking outward, I should actually be looking inward. this change is one that is very personal, one that I have to make within myself. no one can tell me how to change myself but me. I have to look within to find out how to break my own habits. I have to spend time with these new tools to learn how to use them. I have to make mistakes, I have to fall down and pick myself back up again. I have to do this within myself.

I am thankful for the resources that I have found out in the world, they give me hope and knowledge and tools and courage and strength. Ultimately it is ME who has to find my path to this new lifestyle. I cannot follow the path some one else has taken, I must forge my own.

thoughts on our journey so far

our family is going through the de-schooling process (about 3 months now). really it is Josh (hubs) and i that are de-schooling, the boys have never been to school. it has been such a personal journey for us, because we are making such major changes in the way we live life with our children. in the very very beginning i was getting frustrated because there was no one way, no checklist, for getting to that goal of "unschooling". i am finding out that it is not a goal or an end point, but really it is a lifestyle. everything needs to change, for us it feels like a shift, a slide over. one of the big things we (josh & i) have to deal with is letting go of the control/the need to control our children. we also work on dealing with the anger (which , actually once we let go of the control, we let go of a lot of anger). i find the more i read about unschooling, gentle parenting type i am finding more ways to control myself, i find better ways (tools if you will) for handling situations i kept running into with my kids (and, amazingly, these tools also help me when dealing with other people, lol) when i come across a concept or thought that really affects me, i write it down, i come back to it, i think about it.
in a chat i remember being asked if i thought that unschoolers came from a different planet. in the beginning it seems like it, especially when experienced ones seem to have all the answers, although none seemed to be exactly the answer i was looking for. they were "getting" some thing i just couldn't completely wrap my brain around. i believe it is Sandra that gives the advise, read a little, do a little. boy has hat been helpful and exactly what i am doing.
one of the first things we did was get rid of school, any idea, thought, project, movie that even remotely looked like what we called school is avoided. no workbooks, no online classes, nothing (unless, of course, the boys initiate something). this was pretty easy for us because i really never wanted to be a teacher in any traditional sense. then i read and asked about media (tv, computer, video games), we are now letting go of control over these devises (which , for me, has been the hardest thing). once i have made this my own, we will move on to bedtimes. this is the transitional journey we (hubs and i) are on. one step at a time, becoming more and more confident in our lifestyle choice. we have begun seeing the wonderful effects already.

Danaan Parry, Fear of Transformation

we are at the beginning of our journey. i stumbled across this excerpt while doing some reading and it really really struck a chord with me. i definitely feel this way as we are making a life change, an attitude change, a view point change.

Sometimes I feel that i my life is a series of trapeze swings. I’m either hanging on to a trapeze bar swinging along or, for a few moments in my life, I'm hurtling across space in between trapeze bars I spend most of the time hanging on for dear life to mytrapeze-bar—of-the-moment. It carries me along at a certain steady rate of swing and I have the feeling that I’m in control of my life. I know most of the right questions and even some of the right answers. But once in a while, as I'm merrily (or not so merrily)

swinging along, I look ahead of me into the distance, and what do I see? I see another trapeze bar swinging toward me. |it’s empty, and I know, in that place that knows, that this new trapeze bar has my name on it. It is my next step, my growth;my aliveness coming to get me. In my heart-of-hearts I know that for me to grow, I must release my grip on the present, well-known bar to move to the new one, Each time it happens to me, I hope that I won't have to grab the new one. But in that knowing place I know I must totally release my grasp on the old bar, and for some moment in time hurtle across space before I can grab onto the new one. Each time, I am filled with terror. It doesn't matter that in all my previous hurtles across

the void of unknowing, I have always made it. Each time I am afraid I will miss, that I will be crushed on the unseen rocks in the bottomless chasm between the bars. But I do it anyway. Perhaps this is the essence of what the mystics call the faith experience. No guarantees, no net, no insurance policy, but you do it anyway because somehow, to keep hanging onto that old bar is no longer on the list of alternatives. And so for an eternity that can last a microsecond or a thousand lifetimes, I soar across the dark void of "the past is gone, the future is not yet here." |it’s called transition. I have

come to believe that this is the place where real change occurs. I have noticed that, in our culture, this transition zone is looked upon as a "no—

thing", a no-place between places. Sure the old trapeze-bar was real, and that new one coming towards me, I hope that's real too. But the void in between? That's just a scary, confusing, disorienting "nowhere" that must be gotten through as fast and unconsciously as possible. What a waste! I have a sneaking suspicion that the transition zone is the only real thing, and the bars are illusions we dream up, to avoid where the real change, the real growth occurs for us. Whether or not my hunch is true, it remains that the transition zones in our lives are incredibly rich places.

They should be honored, even savored. Yes, with all the pain and fear and feelings of being out-of-control that can (but not necessarily) accompany transitions, they are still the most alive, most growth-filled, passionate, expansive moments in our lives. And so, transformation of fear may have nothing to do with making fear go away, but Rather giving ourselves permission to "hang-out" in the transition between trapeze

bars. Transforming our need to grab that new bar, any bar, is allowing ourselves to dwell in the place where change happens. lt can be terrifying. It can also be enlightening, in the true sense of the word. Hurtling through the void, we just may learn how to fly.