Shifting and loving it

just wanted to jot down a few thoughts on today, which, by the way, was an amazingly good day, not perfect, but just right!
today my  mom had came to pick us up  so that we could get our order form the food co-op, afterward we planned on garage saleing. I stopped at the ATM for cash and across the street was a church sale,YAY! we were all browsing around (i give the boys their own $$ to buy what they want) when Ian comes up to me with a blue girl's puffy vest with hood and said that he wanted it. I told him it was a girl's vest and a girl's style, but he didn't care. i said that if he wanted he could buy it. he did explain to me that he wanted it because it had a winter badge on it (there was a small round logo patch on the front with a snowflake and brand name), i said that i would take it off for him if he bought it. after that i helped Asher use the restroom. when i returned to the main room of the sale a woman (my mom's age) came up to me and asked if she could talk to me for a moment. she then told me how wonderful it was that i would 'allow' my son to purchase girl clothes. she told me most parents wouldn't let that happen and that she was happy to see that i would. she said i was a good mom, i was so surprised. i thanked her, i didn't know what else to say, i just wanted to hug her!
we continued garage saling and i have to admit i was getting a bit crabby, BUT i recongnized that it was an issue with me (i hadn't eaten and i get testy when i am hungry) i didn't let it overtake me and i didn't take it out on the boys (that was an old pattern with me) we did end garage saleing a little early so i could eat, but i am so proud of my progress!
the rest of the day and into the evening were awesome. we picked bramble berries, Josh and Ian worked on the Jeep, Ike helped Asher play with new toys, the boys all played together with blocks. we ate dinner (ok i did burn the pork chops......but we still ate them :P), we played a new card game, we read bedtime stories and we snuggle to sleep.
we have been a couple of years on this journey into peaceful parenting, unschooling, respectful living, and i have to admit that there were many times i was ready to return to the way we were. i was really struggling with it for a long time. i was pretending to be patient and respectful and kind, i was trying really hard to do this, to be the parent/person i wanted to be. i cried, i screamed, i struggled. but very recently (the last few months) i feel like i get it, like i am living my dream and i am not just going through the motions. i have shifted!! i feel it, and the boys feel it, i even think Josh feels it. i am happy that i stuck to it, that i worked through some of my triggers, that i took the time to improve myself, to become a better person. it has really been reflecting in our lives lately. i know that i am not perfect, that this is a journey, but i am so happy with the way things are unfolding and i cannot wait to see what the future holds for us.

change is HARD

making big lifestyle change is HARD.

changing habits is HARD

learning how to use new unfamiliar tools is HARD

I have been looking for an easy answer on how to make these changes. I have been scouring forums, chats, books, websites, any place where I think I may find the answer, the “12 step program”. I lament with other folks in the same position. I asked questions to the folks who have made the change, who lead the lifestyle I want to live, trying to find the answer, the way.

I have been looking in all the wrong places for the answer. I have been looking outward, I should actually be looking inward. this change is one that is very personal, one that I have to make within myself. no one can tell me how to change myself but me. I have to look within to find out how to break my own habits. I have to spend time with these new tools to learn how to use them. I have to make mistakes, I have to fall down and pick myself back up again. I have to do this within myself.

I am thankful for the resources that I have found out in the world, they give me hope and knowledge and tools and courage and strength. Ultimately it is ME who has to find my path to this new lifestyle. I cannot follow the path some one else has taken, I must forge my own.

Danaan Parry, Fear of Transformation

we are at the beginning of our journey. i stumbled across this excerpt while doing some reading and it really really struck a chord with me. i definitely feel this way as we are making a life change, an attitude change, a view point change.

Sometimes I feel that i my life is a series of trapeze swings. I’m either hanging on to a trapeze bar swinging along or, for a few moments in my life, I'm hurtling across space in between trapeze bars I spend most of the time hanging on for dear life to mytrapeze-bar—of-the-moment. It carries me along at a certain steady rate of swing and I have the feeling that I’m in control of my life. I know most of the right questions and even some of the right answers. But once in a while, as I'm merrily (or not so merrily)

swinging along, I look ahead of me into the distance, and what do I see? I see another trapeze bar swinging toward me. |it’s empty, and I know, in that place that knows, that this new trapeze bar has my name on it. It is my next step, my growth;my aliveness coming to get me. In my heart-of-hearts I know that for me to grow, I must release my grip on the present, well-known bar to move to the new one, Each time it happens to me, I hope that I won't have to grab the new one. But in that knowing place I know I must totally release my grasp on the old bar, and for some moment in time hurtle across space before I can grab onto the new one. Each time, I am filled with terror. It doesn't matter that in all my previous hurtles across

the void of unknowing, I have always made it. Each time I am afraid I will miss, that I will be crushed on the unseen rocks in the bottomless chasm between the bars. But I do it anyway. Perhaps this is the essence of what the mystics call the faith experience. No guarantees, no net, no insurance policy, but you do it anyway because somehow, to keep hanging onto that old bar is no longer on the list of alternatives. And so for an eternity that can last a microsecond or a thousand lifetimes, I soar across the dark void of "the past is gone, the future is not yet here." |it’s called transition. I have

come to believe that this is the place where real change occurs. I have noticed that, in our culture, this transition zone is looked upon as a "no—

thing", a no-place between places. Sure the old trapeze-bar was real, and that new one coming towards me, I hope that's real too. But the void in between? That's just a scary, confusing, disorienting "nowhere" that must be gotten through as fast and unconsciously as possible. What a waste! I have a sneaking suspicion that the transition zone is the only real thing, and the bars are illusions we dream up, to avoid where the real change, the real growth occurs for us. Whether or not my hunch is true, it remains that the transition zones in our lives are incredibly rich places.

They should be honored, even savored. Yes, with all the pain and fear and feelings of being out-of-control that can (but not necessarily) accompany transitions, they are still the most alive, most growth-filled, passionate, expansive moments in our lives. And so, transformation of fear may have nothing to do with making fear go away, but Rather giving ourselves permission to "hang-out" in the transition between trapeze

bars. Transforming our need to grab that new bar, any bar, is allowing ourselves to dwell in the place where change happens. lt can be terrifying. It can also be enlightening, in the true sense of the word. Hurtling through the void, we just may learn how to fly.